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i scuff at sidewalk bottle caps,
mouthing your name as i pass shriveled milkweed stalks and snuffed-out cigarettes.
once, the clock hands pointed north. they mock me now with each degree elapsed,
each angle pointing to a slew of compass-rose regrets.

mouthing your name as i pass shriveled milkweed stalks and snuffed-out cigarettes,
i hear the second hand’s advance tally my silences like rosary beads,
each angle pointing to a slew of compass-rose regrets.
if only i could pull your name from this unmerciful stampede!

i hear the second hand’s advance tally my silences like rosary beads.
every dull tock measures out those quinine conversations, sly unripened smiles, and yet i know
if only i could pull your name from this unmerciful stampede,
the cobwebs binding me to mute labyrinths of time might let me go.

every dull tock measures out those quinine conversations, sly unripened smiles, and yet i know
your redwood hands could  be the ones to rescue me, and then
the cobwebs binding me to mute labyrinths of time might let me go…
oh, how can i speak when these dark flocks of raven-fears still cluster in my mind like minutemen?

your redwood hands could be the ones to rescue me, and then –

once, the clock hands pointed north. they mock me now with each degree elapsed.
oh, how can i speak when these dark flocks of raven-fears still cluster in my mind like minutemen?
i scuff at sidewalk bottle caps.
Day 21 of NaPoWriMo.

Trying out a pantoum - it was hard. (March/April Forms Challenge
I worked on this nonstop for a few days, and now I'm posting it before I decide I hate it and feel the need to change it all again.

Feedback appreciated!
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2014-06-20
That longing by Fragments-of-a-Pawn flows so smoothly while retaining meaning is a true feat of creativity. ( Suggested by daybreaksmiles and Featured by inknalcohol )
:iconleftunfinished:
LeftUnfinished Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Lovely. :heart: Reminds me of a sestina. 
Reply
:iconandanteecho:
AndanteEcho Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Student Writer
You know I love it. :) 
Reply
:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Edited Jun 20, 2014   Writer
Absolutely brilliant. It always astounds me when people can do form poetry and make it sound so fresh and unique. Congrats on your DD. I'm glad I got to read this.
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
I’m very happy for you!!! :iconloveloveplz: :tighthug:
Reply
:iconmomotsukinezumi:
MomotsukiNezumi Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is beautiful. 
Reply
:iconhadasaugh-sculpt:
hadasaugh-sculpt Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Professional General Artist
You are a master in the making!  I think you'll really "explode" with your poetic creativity if you can rid yourself of the clock hands of time.
Reply
:iconmissdudette:
MissDudette Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014
AMAZING BEAT here!  Wow, that was cool. :)
Reply
:iconlollirotcat:
lollirotcat Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Student Writer
This is amazing!! Congrats on the DD! :D
Reply
:icononetwistedpoet:
onetwistedpoet Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
When I read this, the voice in my head sounds like the one that reads Poe. Good job. The rosary beads line is tight, as is the entire piece. 
Reply
:icondjinn98:
djinn98 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014
Great job! I love the way the thoughts twist and repeat in on themselves. Definitely feeling the longing.
Reply
:icondaybreaksmiles:
daybreaksmiles Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations!!! :squee: I'm so glad you were featured. This poem is more beautiful and fascinating every time I read it :love:
Reply
:icondemonlight:
demonlight Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Professional Writer
Pantoums are difficult, and for the most part you've succeeded.

The line: "if only i could pull your name from this unmerciful stampede!" is a bit clumsy, both as a metaphor and in form (and the repetition of the form emphasises this), but the rest of it is really rather good.

I particularly like the sly, unripened smiles and the rosary bead motif.
Reply
:iconrogueteamplayer:
RogueTeamplayer Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Simply amazing.
Reply
:iconmadhat11d6:
MadHat11D6 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014   Writer
:iconclapplz:

Congrats on the DD! I just want you to know that I have it on very good authority that multiple people suggested this piece (myself included). I said it before, and I'll say it again - this is a wonderful piece. Keep up the wood work! 
Reply
:iconmadhat11d6:
MadHat11D6 Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014   Writer
You, I like. 

Excellent poem, excellent structure, excellent execution. I love it. I'd have to be a better poet to give a useful critique. You win at poetry today, my friend. 

Very, very well done. :clap:

Reply
:iconhopeburnsblue:
hopeburnsblue Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Professional Writer
 Ooh, I love all the intermittently repeated lines. I can also relate. Congrats on the award!
Reply
:iconprincezahn:
PrinceZahn Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Wow...
Let us put aside me not understanding some of these metaphors, the structure of this poem is uncanny not merely in form and repetition, but also in execution:
It begins with the figure in the poem on a dirty, gloomy street, reflecting upon grieving upon loss and mistakes, slowly getting lost in thought of what could have been, and the desire to return to the sweet past slowly intensifies as the metaphors get more and more...out there, (for the lack of a better term) in fact the repetition and spiral like submerging deeper into metaphors only emphasize the rising desire for that special someone to return.
And in the end... the poem closes with the burning metaphor of the last paragraph that stands alongside the cold and harsh truth, reversed, as though to fade back into reality and close a cycle of gloom and desire, as such is the vestigial feeling of "longing"; of love and loss.

Excellent poem, excellent structure and a sympathetic delight to read!
Reply
:iconchasingcloudbursts:
chasingcloudbursts Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. :heart:
Reply
:icondaybreaksmiles:
daybreaksmiles Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I LOVE this form! This is the first time I've ever seen it (or anything remotely as intricate, really). The line arrangement has such an inherent cleverness to it's construction :love: I could tell you put a lot of time and effort into this to make it flow so smoothly and piece together as nicely it does, congratulations on another beautiful piece!!
Reply
:iconchasingcloudbursts:
chasingcloudbursts Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Student General Artist
Way late reply, but thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconpauper-circumstance:
Pauper-Circumstance Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2014
I have no feedback. Truly this is just, wonderful. :)

The constant references to clock is just beautifully and you weave your words so smoothly and tranquilly. This is Fabulous. :D
Reply
:iconchasingcloudbursts:
chasingcloudbursts Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Student General Artist
Sorry for the late reply, but thank you! Glad you liked it. :heart:
Reply
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